


Figuring Herself Out

by spoilersweetie



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 19:07:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16624721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spoilersweetie/pseuds/spoilersweetie
Summary: The Doctor gets to grips with her new form - with the help of River's data ghost. This one's gonna hurt...





	Figuring Herself Out

The Doctor stands in front of the long mirror in her room - not a room she frequented often, but her companions were all off getting some rest and she’d thought she might take the chance to get some herself. She was still a little tired from the whole sonic mine thing, combined with running on nothing but adrenalin to save an entire spaceship and deal with a pting after four days of being out cold. And her ecto-spleen still didn’t feel quite right. She wrinkles her nose as she prods at her side, pulling up her shirt to glare at it in the mirror. 

“Come on,” she mumbles, “sort yourself out. Don’t usually take this long to heal… must have been hit harder than I thought…”

“Or, you’re just too stubborn to admit you’re not invincible.”

The Doctor feels all the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, and her hearts stop beating for a second. She swallows, lifting her eyes as a figure steps into view behind her in the mirror. 

“What are you doing here?”

“Nice to see you too. Not even a ‘hello sweetie?’”

She swallows again, letting her top drop back down. “Why are you here?”

“Oh I couldn’t resist seeing this for myself,” River purrs, eyes her up and down pointedly. “Not every day my husband turns into a wife.”

The Doctor tries to catch her breath but her chest heaves, stomach tying itself in a knot. 

“River… it’s been so long,” she utters, “I thought… I thought you’d left…”  _ me _ , she doesn’t finish out loud. 

River raises an eyebrow. “Like you left me?”

The Doctor flinches like River had slapped her. 

She squeezes her eyes shut. “Please,” she begs.

“I’m not here to feed your guilt so you can take that look off your face,” she hears her sigh, and opens her eyes again. She wants to beg her to leave and to stay forever. 

“Then why are you here?”

“I just told you,” says River, moving over to her, and taking her time walking round the Doctor in a circle. “I wanted to see this for myself. And this is the first moment I’ve caught you alone since you regenerated. Good choice by the way.”

Her brow furrows,” It’s not a choice,” she says to River, who comes to a stop slightly behind her so she can look at her in the mirror again. 

“I didn’t mean the body,” her wife chuckles. “Your new travelling companions. I like the girl.”

“Of course you do,” the Doctor rolls her eyes slightly. 

“I like them all. I’m glad you’ve got people with you.” She lets her eyes drag over the Doctor’s new form again. “I like the body too.”

“Well,” the Doctor forces herself to say, “You’ve seen it now. That’s what you wanted right?”

River nods. “Yes, it was. I think I had a right to see this; it’s my regeneration, after all.”

The Doctor’s eyes snap to River’s again and she freezes. “What?”

Her wife’s data ghost raises an eyebrow. “Thirteen?” She says pointedly. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten who gave you all those extra lives.” River snorts. “Did you really think it was a coincidence that the first regeneration of your new cycle was a woman?”

The Doctor’s lips part and she can only stare back at River in horror. 

She had. Or rather - she hadn’t thought  _ at all _ . 

River gave her her own regenerations to save her when she was dying, all those centuries ago. The reason she’s still alive - the reason she even  _ has _ this form is standing behind her - or rather, her ghost was. 

This body should have been hers.    
She feels sick, and her chest feels tight. She doubles over, gasping for air, and forces herself to breath deeply through her nose as the nausea wells up inside her. Her side still  _ hurts _ , and the pain only serves to make the sick feeling worse, and she clutches at it, willing herself to get a grip. 

“Breathe, sweetie.” Comes River’s soft voice, and she must be delirious because she swears she can feel her wife’s gentle hand on her back, but when she straights and whirls to grab at it, desperate for something to hang on to, her hands fall through air. 

River gives her a sad smile.

She squeezes her eyes shut again. “Leave,” she whispers quietly. “Please.” She knows it is selfish to ask her to go, but her presence hurts her so much, fills her with so much guilt it is almost unbearable, and the Doctor doesn’t think she can handle it, especially in her weakened state. 

When she dares to open her eyes again they lock with River’s green ones, looking right back at her. She gives a cry of frustration and spins back around away from her. That only causes her to face the mirror, where she is still looking into the face of her dead wife. 

“What do you want?” She demands. “You wanted to see my new self in person - well, you’ve seen it!”

“Hmm, not  _ quite _ .” Hums River, and steps so close to her she could swear she can feel the warmth from her body. Which was ridiculous. Even if she was palpable - data ghosts didn’t have body heat. The Doctor watches River’s eyes linger on her new form and her own go wide. 

“No,” she says. “No, I am  _ not _ …  _ no.” _

River smirks, leaning forward so that, if she were there in physical form, her chin would be resting on the Doctor’s shoulder. 

“Don’t tell me you’re shy this time around.”

“No,” she quickly says. “Not shy. I just… I know what you have in mind and I am  _ not _ going there.”

River just smiles, standing straight again and lifting a hand to let the backs of her fingers brush softly against the Doctor’s cheek. She feels nothing, and the absence of her wife’s touch only serves to make her chest clench tighter. 

“Have you thought about it yet?” River murmurs, letting her hand continue down her neck, fingertips trailing over her collarbone. “New body… new sensations…” the Doctor watches in the mirror as her ghostly hand slowly traces the outline of her new breasts, and her breath comes a little quicker. River’s eyes snap to hers. “Have you thought about me?”

The Doctor hides the anguish she knows her face displays quickly, swallowing hard. “Not a day goes by when I don’t,” she admits sadly, but River merely smirks. 

“How sweet, but that’s not what I meant.”

“I know what you meant,” she replies, then realises what she's inferred when River’s eyebrow raises and her smirk widens. “Wait - no - I didn’t mean - not that I was thinking of  _ that _ every day, just that - I knew what you meant but  _ I _ meant -”

River’s laugh cuts her off and she huffs slightly, rolling her eyes. 

“You never change,” she mumbles, annoyed at her face which she can see has turned a little pink in the mirror. 

“Neither do you,” River grins. “Now are you going to let me see the rest of this pretty new body you’ve somehow found yourself in or not?”

The Doctor folds her arms. “Not.”

River gives her a smirk in response that says ‘we’ll see about that’, and the Doctor is just about to tell her that she’s not about to be seduced so she may as well just leave now (while her hearts are still just about holding together) when River shakes her curls out, waves a hand over herself and - 

And the Doctor promptly forgets that she’d been going to say anything, unable to do anything but stare as River steps out to the side behind her so she can see the full length of her, suddenly clad in a familiar deep red and black lingerie set, complete with stockings, her favourite louboutins and deep red lipstick. 

Memories hit her hard, memories that come with feelings (the most powerful kind) and sensations and… desire. 

“Our three-hundredth anniversary,” she breathes, and River’s eyes light up. 

“You remember?”

The Doctor nods. “How could I forget? The one time our anniversaries matched up…”

“I even got you to drink champagne,” River smirks and the Doctor smiles. 

“And we danced.”

“And then we  _ danced _ …”

She swallows hard, steamy images flashing through her mind -  _ memories _ . 

River steps even closer, turning her head to breath into her ear; “Have you missed me?”

The Doctor nods. “Always,” she utters, as if in a trance. 

“Show me,” River whispers, and when her hands move to hover over the Doctor’s shoulders she shrugs the coat off obediently, letting it drop to the floor.

Her braces follow off her shoulders, and her shirts, already untucked from where she’d been scrutinising her abdomen earlier, are lifted over her head and tossed aside. 

River’s hands glide over her form, and the Doctor can almost feel the touch as if she were truly there. Her own hands follow, mapping out the dip of her waist, the flat of her stomach and the swell of her breasts in the plain white sports bra she has on. 

“You should try something like this some time,” River lets her fingertips trail over the lace of her own bra. 

“I don’t think it would fit me.”

“They come in different sizes,” River smiles, amused, and the Doctor looks down. 

“Like these, I suppose.”

River turns her head and in the mirror the Doctor can see her nuzzling into her neck, and she knows that if she were really here, she would be able to feel her hot breath in her hair, and her lips on the shell of her ear. The Doctor shivers. 

“Take it off,” River whispers, and she pulls it over her head, leaving her half bare in front of her wife who she locks eyes with again in the mirror. 

“Beautiful,” River murmurs, and the Doctor tilts her head. 

“Am I?”

“You must have noticed.”

“Not really,” she admits. “I’m short.”

River laughs. “That doesn’t cancel out beautiful, my love.”

The Doctor wrinkles her nose. “I don’t like being short. I’m sure the Tardis has lowered her console. She thinks I won’t notice but I have.”

“She loves you sweetie,” River smiles. 

The Doctor locks eyes with her again. “She loves you too,” she says, quieter. “She feels so calm when you’re here.”

“And how do you feel when I’m here?”

“Not calm. The other one. Un-calm. Agitated? No…”

River narrows her eyes and opens her mouth to complain when the Doctor finds the word she’s searching for;  _ “Alive. _ ”

River’s eyes soften in the mirror, and then the Doctor winces at the weight that word holds between them right now. “Sorry.”

But River simply shakes her head, brushing it off, eyes dropping back to her form as a hand traces over the Doctor’s side, hovering over her skin, gliding up from her stomach to her breasts. The Doctor finds her own hand following River’s guidance, her palm moving to cup her small breast, thumb gliding over her nipple. They both harden and she tilts her head as she watches in the mirror. River places her hand over the Doctor’s and she lets it go where she wills, moving to cup her other breast before gliding back across, letting her thumb and index finger lightly pinch her nipple. She sucks in a breath through her teeth, noting how much more sensitive these ones are than any of her previous ones. Then she realises she’s thinking about her nipples in plural and shakes her head to clear it. 

She catches River’s eyes just as she rolls them in the mirror and feels her cheeks flush a bit, marvelling at just how well her wife knows her. River’s hand leaves her chest to move down over her stomach and settle (or would, if it were able) on her hip. 

The Doctor moves her hand to follow, just as another twinge of pain shoots through her stomach and she flinches a bit, pressing her fingers into her side. 

“You should get that looked at,” River tells her, hand hovering over the offending organ. 

“It’ll be fine,” she brushes her off. 

“Don’t blame me when you pass out on your new friends,” River sighs. 

“Stop fussing.”

“Never,” she smiles, and lets her eyes drop to the Doctor’s crop trousers, her braces hanging by her legs. She looks at them pointedly before lifting her eyes to the Doctor’s again and tilting her head just enough for the Doctor to catch on. She rolls her eyes and moves her hands to unfasten her trousers, shoving them down over her hips and kicking them off, along with her boots and socks. She hooks her thumbs in the top of her underwear and lets that drop to the floor too, until she stands bare in front of the mirror. 

“Not shy then,” River says. 

“Nah. You know me.”

“Yes I do,” purrs River, and the Doctor bites her lip at the implications in her tone. 

“Not this me though. Don’t even know myself yet. I think I have claustrophobia because I went in the lift to go up to Yaz’s apartment and it really freaked me out.”

“Not necessarily. Fear of lifts is very common,” River smiles patiently. 

“I suppose. Like spiders - definitely don’t have that, which is lucky considering the size of the ones I had to deal with in Sheffield. You’d have hated it.” She has a feeling River would have shot the lot of them before Jack Robinson had even had the chance to  _ mention _ his stash of guns - and that makes her feel more uncomfortable than it used to; River shooting things. Maybe she’s just got un-used to it. 

River wrinkles her nose. “Remember what I said I’ll do to you if you ever tell anyone I’m scared of spiders - that still stands.” She warns. 

The Doctor gives her a small smile. “Your secret’s safe with me.”

“As yours are with me,” River smiles back. 

“What secret?”

“All of them,” River replies, and the Doctor looks away from her eyes, suddenly feeling naked in front of her for the first time despite the fact her clothes had been shed minutes before, at the reminder of just how many of her secrets River  _ does _ know.

River moves to stand fully behind her, looking over her head at her in the mirror (she’s so  _ short! _ River’s in heels now and that’s just unfair _ ) _ and speaks again after a moment. 

“Weren’t we talking about getting to know this new you then?”

Her eyes lift to River’s again and a little bubble of - nerves? Excitement? Flutters through her stomach. 

“Can you take your heels off?” She says, because she’s too distracted by the height difference.

“Is this going to be a thing? You always loved the heels,” River pouts, and the Doctor shuffles on her feet. 

“I still do. It’s just… weird.” She says as she looks up into her face. 

“Ah, well.” River kicks them off, and the Doctor notices them disappear. “Suppose it’s not like you’ll be taking me out to any parties again anyway.”

She flinches again, which River either doesn’t notice or chooses to ignore.

“Better?”

She nods, and watches as River’s hands ghost up over her thighs, mapping out the flare of her hips and and disappearing round between them where the Doctor knows she’s cupping the curve of her backside. 

“Do you really think I’m beautiful?” She finds herself blurting out, wondering suddenly where the insecurity had come from. Maybe that’s her now - insecure. But it isn’t a feeling she’d experienced yet so far. Maybe she just yearned for her wife’s approval. 

“Yes,” River replies simply. “I think you’re perfect.”

She shifts on her feet then, uncomfortable at the compliment, until River turns her head to murmur softly into her ear; “Look.”

She does, her hand following River’s again, fingertips trailing down from her collarbone to her waist, to her stomach and her hips. 

She supposes it’s not a bad body, all things considered. The age is nice and neutral, and she does quite like the hair - even if she’s a bit miffed about the height. She’s slim again - good thing too, all the running she somehow always ends up doing requiring her to be agile. She eyes the curve of her hips as her hand follows River’s down to her thighs - that was new. Not the thighs - the curvy part. It wasn’t quite as pronounced as River’s voluptuous form but they were definitely there. Along with the breasts which were also definitely there. She was quite fond of those already, letting her nails scrape lightly over a nipple as her hand trails after River’s, and her eyelids fluttering at the sensation. 

River’s hand glides down and she follows it still, smoothing her palm over the flat of her stomach until it moves down to hover over her pelvis, and the Doctor hesitates, suddenly at a loss. 

“Show me,” she says, eyes on River’s. 

“You know, sweetie,” River says softly, her voice like silk. “You’ve touched me a million times. Just touch yourself the same.”

Biting her lip, the Doctor lets her fingers dip between her legs, thighs parting so she can feel the soft, slick skin that’s gathering wetness, hot like a little furnace. She pushes her fingers through the folds, dipping, exploring, finding which bits are sensitive and which she wants to touch more. The tip of her middle finger flicks over something and her whole body jolts, a gasp escaping her lips. 

“That’s -” She cuts off, eyes lifting to River’s again in question. She nods, lips curling upwards.

“Seems like it.”

“ _ Oh _ ,” she says, pressing against the little nub again and marvelling at the way her whole body responds, flooding with pleasure. “So that’s what it feels like.”

She wonders suddenly, what it would be like to feel River’s hot tongue in place of her fingers, like she had done for her wife so many times, and her face flushes with heat. When her eyes catch River’s in the mirror that smirk is back in place on her lips like she  _ knows _ what’s running through the Doctor’s mind and she feels herself grow warmer. 

River lifts her hand and lets it trail up over the Doctor’s body again to cup her breast - or, she would be, if the Doctor could feel her touch there. She lifts her own free hand instead and follows River’s lead, catching her nipple between her thumb and forefinger and inhaling sharply through her nose when the sensation sends more heat shooting straight to her clit. 

“How does it feel?” River murmurs, her eyes dark and hooded as she watches the Doctor in the mirror. 

“Wet,” the Doctor answers, brow furrowed. “And soft. Strange.”

“I meant how does it  _ make _ you feel,” River chuckles softly. 

“Oh. Strange…” She repeats, unable to draw anything more intelligible from her brain at the current moment. 

“Good strange?”

She nods. “Yep. Definitely good strange.”

She pinches her nipple again just as she presses harder against her clit and her knees buckle as a shock of pleasure courses through her, making her gasp.    
“Careful,” River says softly, hands automatically going to her hips to steady her, even though the movement is futile. “Maybe we should take this elsewhere,” she suggests. 

She blinks at her wife in the mirror. “Where?”

“Come.” River says simply, backing away towards the bed, a hand held out for the Doctor who stumbles after her, climbing up onto the blankets as River reclines back and beckons her to lay next to her. She lies on her back with River next to her, stretched out on her side, her head on the pillow next to the Doctor’s and hand hovering over her body, mapping out her curves. 

She reaches her thighs and the Doctor’s hand joins hers, eyes meeting River’s as she spreads her legs and lets her fingers dip between them again. 

“This is better,” she decides immediately, River’s hand over her own, like she was guiding her fingers even though she couldn’t feel her touch. 

“Just you wait,” River purrs, and the Doctor’s eyelids flutter, a new wave of wetness seeping from her, and she holds River’s gaze and lets her fingers go where River wills. 

She is hot inside, hot and slick and tighter than she’d expected, having to ease a second finger inside carefully, and biting her lip at the slightly painful feeling of being stretched. She thinks about the other capability this part of her new body has and suddenly feels very alarmed at thought of  _ anyone _ being able to fit an entire baby through this tiny space. Her stomach clenches uncomfortably at the thought and she makes a mental note to make sure she never gets pregnant, because that  _ had _ to hurt. 

“Can you concentrate please, sweetie,” River interrupts her thoughts and she realises she may have muttered that last part out loud. 

“Sorry. Concentrate, right.” She shifts her hips, trying to get comfortable, and bites her lip again. “What now?”

“Now... “ River says, eyes gliding over her bare form. “Now you think about what I would do if it were my fingers inside you,” she says hotly, and the Doctor feels heat flood through her. “Or maybe my tongue. Would you like that?”

Her mouth goes dry as she feels herself clench slightly around her fingers, and she swallows, hearts beating fast in her chest and breath coming out quicker. She nods quickly, pushing her fingers deeper inside herself and shifting her hips until her thumb can settle against her clit. 

“There you go,” River breathes hotly. “Now show me what you’d like me to do.”

River’s smooth voice is like gasoline to the fire inside her, and her body stretched out beside her almost too much of a temptation to bear. 

“I wish I could touch you,” the Doctor whispers, her eyes on her wife’s as her fingers work between her legs. “I’ve missed touching you so much. Kissing every inch of you. Making you come alive under my hands and my mouth.”

River opens her mouth but doesn’t speak, shifting a little on the bed beside her. She finally lets out a breathless laugh. “This is supposed to be about you sweetie.”

“It is,” she says, feeling herself wind up tighter, feeling a burning heat build in her core. River’s eyes flick down to her lips and the Doctor yearns to kiss her, having to settle instead for the memory of her lips on her own, the feel of her body pressed against hers as she brings herself closer to the edge. 

The feeling builds inside her, settling in the pit of her abdomen and between her legs, building and building until she felt like she might pop, or explode or - or almost like the urge to…

“It’s alright, that’s how it’s supposed to feel,” River tells her softly and she knows she must look alarmed. “Just let go. Let it come.”

She does, and she  _ does _ . The feeling rips through her, much like the effect of the orgasms she’s familiar with but nothing like the sensation. She pulls her fingers out of herself and presses them hard against her clit as she twists against the mattress, head thrown back and free hand clenched in the sheets, and eyes never leaving River’s. 

When she finally moves her shaking hand away she is panting hard, a fine layer of sweat covering her body and hear hearts beating out of time with each other. Only River seemed to be able to do that to her. She tells her that, and River’s eyes soften, and then she leans over and kisses her. 

_ Kisses _ her. 

The shock comes a few seconds after the feeling, and she gasps against her mouth, hands flying into her curls and  body twisting on the bed to press every hungry inch of herself against River, not even caring  _ how _ just that she  _ was _ . 

When they finally break apart she is gasping, chest heaving, and River is as breathless as she. She would feel proud about the fact that she could make a ghost lose her breath if she wasn’t still utterly in shock. 

“You,” she pants. “ _ You _ …? Why did you pretend I couldn’t touch you!?” Is what she finally manages to blurt out. 

“It was hotter this way,” River purrs and the Doctor splutters. 

River grins and lifts a hand to smooth back damp hair form the Doctor’s face, tucking it behind her ear as she clings to her. 

“It’s not easy for me to make myself solid,” she admits quietly, her smile fading. “It’s taking all of my strength. I won’t be able to sustain it for long.”

The Doctor stares at her sadly, her hearts hurting as she realises what that means. She surges forward again, lips on River’s neck and hands roaming greedily over her form, tugging at her underwear. “Then let me -”

“Honey.” River’s hands on hers still her own and she pulls back to look up into her face, brow furrowed. 

“I want you,” she pants. “Let me make love to you.”

But River shakes her head. “I’m fairly certain I won’t be able to sustain it  _ at all _ if you do that.”

Shaking her head, her eyes stinging, the Doctor surges forward to kiss her again, willing her to stay, willing her to  _ be real _ just for a bit longer. Or forever. She gasps, pulling away again and sitting bolt upright.

“I could.. I could stablise your signal - re-route it through the Tardis mainframe,” she says, eyes bright and brain suddenly working fast, scenarios and possibilities working themselves out in her mind. She leaps out of bed to pace. “It will take a bit of re-wiring and - no that wouldn’t work - yes! I’ll need to re-upload you which could be tricky - and possibly dangerous - but if I can just lock down on your signal…” She is rambling now, her eyes bright and hands gesturing as she talks. 

River raises an eyebrow. “Sounds like a lot of effort for a shag.”

The Doctor’s cheeks go pink. “It’s not  _ just _ \- ! Shut up,” she mumbles, and River chuckles at her. 

“Come back to bed.” She holds out a hand, “I haven’t got long now.”

Her face falling, the Doctor takes River’s hand and climbs back in beside her, letting her wife tug her into her arms. 

Holding River. It had been so long she’d almost forgotten what it felt like. She presses every inch of herself against her, wrapping herself around her like she can hold on tight enough to keep her here forever. Her lips move over River’s collarbone as she murmurs into her skin, words of love and devotion… apologies. Compliments. Desires... 

“Sweetie.”

She feels River shift beneath her. 

“Hmm?”

“That’s not helping,” River says gently, and she moves her lips away to rest her head on the pillow next to River’s.

“Oh. Sorry.”

River lifts a hand to tuck her hair behind her ear again. 

“You look tired,” she tells her softly, and the Doctor nods. 

“I think I am.”

“How long has it been since you slept?”

“Does being unconscious count as sleeping?”

She supposes her wife must know her well enough not to look alarmed at the revelation. 

“No,” she says. “What happened?”

“Sonic mine,” the Doctor mumbles, tucking her head under River’s chin. She feels her wife’s hand smooth down over her body to gently touch her side. 

“That what caused this?”

The Doctor nods, remembering about the pain in her side which still hurts. She’d forgotten for a bit back there. 

“You need to rest,” River tells her. 

“Yes dear,” the Doctor mumbles, too tired to argue as a yawn leaves her lips. 

“Sleep, sweetie,” is the last thing she hears as she feels her eyelids grow heavy. “I’m here.”

When she wakes again, River is gone. 


End file.
